Thursday, 28 July 2011
Blonde paint job
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Sorry more blonde jokes
SORRY, MORE BLONDE JOKES
* A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
* A blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
* A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
* A blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
The brunette sighs and says, "Oh, shit, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
* There are three blondes washed up on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent.
Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
* There are three blondes washed up on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent.
Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Monday, 18 July 2011
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Tiger Woods
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed,
about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in
this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one
guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can
see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks
to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to
call room service and get something toeat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second
time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to
bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the
phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was
going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and
makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags
himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room
service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what
the par is for this damn hole."
Oh Shit, Classic
There are 3 guys that are stuck on a cliff. God has gave them each one wish, so they can escape the cliff. But god says that in order for them to get their wish they have to run and jump off the cliff. So the first guy gets a running start and then jumps and says " I wish i could be an eagle!" He goes flying!. The second guy runs and jumps and wishes to be an airplane, he goes flying. Then finally the last guy goes, he gets a running start and trips," SHIT!"
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Office Jokes
Office Jokes And Humor
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Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the office. Experts say humor helps to ease tension, which is important in the times when the work force is being reduced."
"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
Shall we bring in a consultant, or shall we screw it up ourselves?
Have you noticed that your boss is the only one who watches the clock during the coffee break.
I like my job it's the work I hate.
We call our boss caterpillar.
He got where he is by crawling.
He got where he is by crawling.
The manager started his speech at 10 a.m. sharp and ended at 11 a.m. dull.
I overheard two dissatisfied colleagues talking today, one was saying that he was going to work for Euro Disney because he was fed up with his present job and wanted to work for a real Mickey Mouse Operation.
My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."
You can name your own salary here. I call mine Fred.
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Jokes and Funny Stories About Boyfriends
Jokes and Funny Stories About Boyfriends
Here are some jokes and funny stories about boyfriends.
|  |
Mary: Why do you call your boyfriend 'wonder'?
Karen: Because I look at him and wonder.
Karen: Because I look at him and wonder.
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband.
You know your boyfriend is in love with you when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Her boyfriend is so stupid, when they were handing out brains he thought they said trains, so he asked for a slow one.
Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.
Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Friday, 1 July 2011
You couldn't make this up!
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires' ..... The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! ( Stay with me. )
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS..
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