Friday 16 September 2011
Need Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
Thursday 15 September 2011
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Tuesday 16 August 2011
Worm
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma "
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Day off work
Day off of work
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Thursday 28 July 2011
Blonde paint job
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Tuesday 26 July 2011
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Sorry more blonde jokes
SORRY, MORE BLONDE JOKES
* A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
* A blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
* A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
* A blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
The brunette sighs and says, "Oh, shit, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
* There are three blondes washed up on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent.
Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
* There are three blondes washed up on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent.
Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Monday 18 July 2011
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Tiger Woods
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed,
about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in
this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one
guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can
see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks
to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to
call room service and get something toeat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second
time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to
bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the
phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was
going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and
makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags
himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room
service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what
the par is for this damn hole."
Oh Shit, Classic
There are 3 guys that are stuck on a cliff. God has gave them each one wish, so they can escape the cliff. But god says that in order for them to get their wish they have to run and jump off the cliff. So the first guy gets a running start and then jumps and says " I wish i could be an eagle!" He goes flying!. The second guy runs and jumps and wishes to be an airplane, he goes flying. Then finally the last guy goes, he gets a running start and trips," SHIT!"
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Thursday 7 July 2011
Office Jokes
Office Jokes And Humor
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Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the office. Experts say humor helps to ease tension, which is important in the times when the work force is being reduced."
"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
Shall we bring in a consultant, or shall we screw it up ourselves?
Have you noticed that your boss is the only one who watches the clock during the coffee break.
I like my job it's the work I hate.
We call our boss caterpillar.
He got where he is by crawling.
He got where he is by crawling.
The manager started his speech at 10 a.m. sharp and ended at 11 a.m. dull.
I overheard two dissatisfied colleagues talking today, one was saying that he was going to work for Euro Disney because he was fed up with his present job and wanted to work for a real Mickey Mouse Operation.
My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."
You can name your own salary here. I call mine Fred.
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
Wednesday 6 July 2011
Jokes and Funny Stories About Boyfriends
Jokes and Funny Stories About Boyfriends
Here are some jokes and funny stories about boyfriends.
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Mary: Why do you call your boyfriend 'wonder'?
Karen: Because I look at him and wonder.
Karen: Because I look at him and wonder.
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband.
You know your boyfriend is in love with you when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Her boyfriend is so stupid, when they were handing out brains he thought they said trains, so he asked for a slow one.
Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.
Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Friday 1 July 2011
You couldn't make this up!
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires' ..... The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! ( Stay with me. )
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS..
Thursday 30 June 2011
Dr Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
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Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
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Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
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Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
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Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
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Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
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But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
David Cameron
David Cameron wants to make it harder for people the claim benefits.
As of Monday the forms will be printed in English!
As of Monday the forms will be printed in English!
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Sleeping Tigers
Sleeping Tigers
Isn't it funny, when your lying in bed and you hear the baby cry in the other room, and all of a sudden its a game of sleeping tigers!
Both laying there completely still, not a sound, the first one to move looses.
Its hard to do!, intentionally laying perfectly still, one false move and that's it! you get screamed at by your partner! "I know you can hear the baby! why don't you get up!", and up you get to tend to the baby whilst your partner is secretly smiling their ass off under the covers, still cosy and warm. While you try desperately to get the baby back to sleep.
Its a funny life....... I'm currently loosing 3-2
Bono
After all these years, Bono 'still hasn't found what he's looking for'.
Perhaps he might have more luck if he took off those fucking sunglasses.
Perhaps he might have more luck if he took off those fucking sunglasses.
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Blonde and Blonder
A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"
A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"
A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.
She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"
A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"
A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.
She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"
Wikipedia
This was pointed out to me today, Go to http://www.wikipedia.org/ and search "Angel Delight"
Have a good look at the photo!..... what do you think?
Thanks TW
Monday 27 June 2011
Birthday Jokes
For her birthday my wife asked for a tropical plant.Thankfully, the Rasta next door sells them in little bags
I guess I didn't get my birthday wish, "how do you know that dear" you're still here!
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
I guess I didn't get my birthday wish, "how do you know that dear" you're still here!
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Friday 24 June 2011
Scared
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
Thursday 23 June 2011
Dear Tech support
Dear Tech support.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
Also it appears to have self installed some kind of system destroying application called Mother-In-Law 2.5, which appears interfear with all other applications I attemp to run?
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me!!
Thanks Joe
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
Also it appears to have self installed some kind of system destroying application called Mother-In-Law 2.5, which appears interfear with all other applications I attemp to run?
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me!!
Thanks Joe
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
More Blonde Jokes
A blonde sitting in economy class on a flight going to Chicago suddenly stands up and sits down in a seat in first class. A flight attendant watching her goes over to her and says, "Excuse me miss, you can't sit here. You paid for an economy ticket." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago." The flight attendant tries to tell her to go sit back in economy class, but the blonde repeats the phrase over and over, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago." Then, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and asks the pilot and co-pilot if they can help her with the blonde. The pilot agrees, and to his disappointment the same thing happens again. Then, the co-pilot says, "Wait, did you say she's blonde? I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde. Let me try." So he goes to first class, whispers in the blonde's ear, and she quickly apologizes and sits back in economy again. The flight attendant and the pilot are amazed and ask him how he did it. The co-pilot replies, "I told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago."
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Sunday 19 June 2011
Friday 17 June 2011
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