DOCTOR DOCTOR
* A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
* A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange. The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?” The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.”
I'VE WON THE LOTTO!
A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!"
BAR JOKES
* A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
* A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"
* A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.
Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.
Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.
The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."
IRISH JOKES
* An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
* An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
BLOND JOKES
* One day a blond secretary is leaving for her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of the shredder with a clueless look on his face. She walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help she said, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
Q: What's dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water?
A: A blonde trying to burn it down
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed
Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A Frosted Flake.
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLOND THAT.......
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
WIFE JOKES
* A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
???Mother, where do babies come from????
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ???Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.???
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ???That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy???s vagina. That???s how you get a baby, honey.??? The child seems to comprehend.
???Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy???s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that????
???Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.???
???Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.???
* What's the difference between a wife and a job?
After ten years the job still sucks!
After ten years the job still sucks!
ONE LINERS
Q: Why do farts stink?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Q: Why do farts stink?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: Because they are worth it.
Q: What do you call a cheap Jew’s daughter?
A: Penny.
A: Penny.
Q: What do you call a guy who cancels laws?
A: Vito.
A: Vito.
Q: What do you call a guy who has diamonds instead of testicles?
A: Jules.
A: Jules.
Q: What do you call a guy who lets people shit all over him?
A: John.
A: John.
Q: What do you call a guy with mucus in his throat?
A: Fleming.
A: Fleming.
Q: What do you call a woman during her period?
A: Flo.
A: Flo.
Q: What do you call a woman who lets frogs sit on her face?
A: Lily.
A: Lily.
Q: What do you call a woman who likes to go down on other women?
A: Mufly.
Q: What do you call a woman with a moist pussy?
A: Marsha.
RANDOM JOKES
* 'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, Steven, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.'
A: Mufly.
Q: What do you call a woman with a moist pussy?
A: Marsha.
RANDOM JOKES
* 'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, Steven, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.'
