Dr Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!” 

David Cameron

David Cameron wants to make it harder for people the claim benefits.
As of Monday the forms will be printed in English!

Sleeping Tigers

Sleeping Tigers

Isn't it funny, when your lying in bed and you hear the baby cry in the other room, and all of a sudden its a game of sleeping tigers!

Both laying there completely still, not a sound, the first one to move looses. 

Its hard to do!, intentionally laying perfectly still, one false move and that's it! you get screamed at by your partner! "I know you can hear the baby! why don't you get up!", and up you get to tend to the baby whilst your partner is secretly smiling their ass off under the covers, still cosy and warm. While you try desperately to get the baby back to sleep.

Its a funny life....... I'm currently loosing 3-2

Bono

After all these years, Bono 'still hasn't found what he's looking for'. 
Perhaps he might have more luck if he took off those fucking sunglasses.

Blonde and Blonder

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"

A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"

A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom. 

She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"

Wikipedia

This was pointed out to me today, Go to http://www.wikipedia.org/ and search "Angel Delight"

Have a good look at the photo!..... what do you think?

Thanks TW

Birthday Jokes

For her birthday my wife asked for a tropical plant.Thankfully, the Rasta next door sells them in little bags


I guess I didn't get my birthday wish, "how do you know that dear" you're still here!


A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

Scared

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

Dear Tech support

Dear Tech support.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

No mention of this phenomenon was included 
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. 

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. 

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
Also it appears to have self installed some kind of system destroying application called Mother-In-Law 2.5, which appears interfear with all other applications I attemp to run?

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me!!

Thanks Joe

Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:

Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

4. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

3. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 

2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

More Blonde Jokes

A blonde sitting in economy class on a flight going to Chicago suddenly stands up and sits down in a seat in first class. A flight attendant watching her goes over to her and says, "Excuse me miss, you can't sit here. You paid for an economy ticket." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago." The flight attendant tries to tell her to go sit back in economy class, but the blonde repeats the phrase over and over, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago." Then, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and asks the pilot and co-pilot if they can help her with the blonde. The pilot agrees, and to his disappointment the same thing happens again. Then, the co-pilot says, "Wait, did you say she's blonde? I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde. Let me try." So he goes to first class, whispers in the blonde's ear, and she quickly apologizes and sits back in economy again. The flight attendant and the pilot are amazed and ask him how he did it. The co-pilot replies, "I told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago."

Church Rave! Needs sound! Brilliant!

Very Funny Animation!

Funny Photos Taken At Unusual Angle

Love to laugh

If you don't laugh every day, you're living an unhealthy life.